24 Body Count

Episode 9: 12 am to 1 am

So I’m not having as much trouble reconciling the idea of Jack the Grandpa with my own sweet, sweet Grandpa anymore. Jack’s too much of a badass for that to be a problem. He’s more Gran Torino Grandpa than ‘Here’s a quarter, sweetheart’ Grandpa.

And I’m cool with that.

So. The numbers for the night.

• Immortal Hero/Russian Mobster Son got whacked by Middle Eastern President’s Evil Brother’s goons just as he was about to switch sides and get immunity with Dad. Guess he’s not that immortal anymore. Seriously, though, why are the bad guys always surprised when the person they’re working with turns on them? I mean, really—they’re bad guys. They’re not Boy Scouts. Just once, I’d love to see a bad guy working with another bad guy and not be surprised that the other guy turned. “Oh, really? You turned? I saw that coming a mile away.”
• Like our friend Hair Over Her Shoulder (who has progressed from, well, hair over her shoulder to hair mostly behind her to, praise be!, hair up in a knot in back—once again, you’re welcome, America!). Seriously? She was surprised that Ex-Boyfriend and his Greasy Friend were going to keep her on the hook, blackmailing her for more money? Has she never watched a single episode of, well, anything? Read a book? Does she not know that that’s Basic Bad Guy Blackmailing 101? Good grief. But I digress. After H.O.H.S. (I’m tired of typing it, guys…) tells Scooby Doo why she’s staking out Ex-Boyfriend and Greasy Friend (They were in a van! Down by the river!), the Scoobster goes over and threatens the two miscreants, telling them to never come back to NYC. (Incidentally, is New Yawk Freddy Prinze, Jr.’s original hometown? His accent is thick and hubby and I are up in the air about [and too lazy to go look up] whether that’s his real vocal stylings. Just curious…) Ex-Boyfriend is OK with not going back to jail. Greasy Friend has other ideas, specifically keeping his golden goose dropping her $200,000 eggs. When Ex-Boyfriend tries to stop him, Greasy Friend stabs him and hops out of the van.
• We then see Greasy Friend striding confidently towards H.O.H.S. and Scooby Doo, ready to drop the trained CTU agent and abduct the gal. (Seriously? Guy’s stoned out of his gourd and he thinks he’s going to make the drop on a CTU agent? He’s never watched 24, I take it…) We hear a loud, screeching “Jen-nay!!!” and Forest Gump jumps out of the woods. Oh, wait, no, that was Ex-Boyfriend, warning his former girl in his last braying swan song. In my defense, with Bubba Gump back at CTU, it’s hard not to think Forest is far behind. Anyhoo, Scooby makes short shrift of Greasy Friend while Jen-nay (I’ve decided I like typing that better than H.O.H.S.) runs over to watch her former boyfriend, former blackmailer, current life-saver (I mean, in addition to Scooby Doo, of course) die. In a van. Down by the river.

Totals: Three tonight, bringing us up to thirty-one confirmed and that one pesky unconfirmed.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch.

Bubba is conflicted. He wants Renee to be rewarded for the hard, scary service she has just rendered. I mean, yeah, she stabbed the Russian guy. A lot. In the eye. And the gut. She was angry, ok? Yeah, she lost the lead that CTU was supposed to be getting. But he was clearly asking for it.

The President’s guy, though, thinks differently. He wants Bubba to come out of all this mess clean because he’s the one who gave Bubba the hookup in the first place. He thinks that Renee is the perfect foil for this plot—let her take the fall and all will be o-tay.

Except that Jack thinks that’s a bunch of hooey. He tells the federal prosecutor that, as he’s choking her. He tells Bubba that, up in Bubba’s office as they’re ‘discussing' Jack’s behavior and immediate dismissal from the CTU headquarters. He tells Bubba again as he is leaving the premises, as per request. This time, though, he’s also telling Bubba that the half-cocked plan of Red Shirt Scooby Doo’s stand in as lead in the attempt at recovery of the Middle-Eastern-President’s-Evil-Brother (what? he changed sides. again.) and the nuclear rods (what? Scooby was back killing folks. In a van! Down by the river!) is stoopid. He offers to lead the expedition in exchange for immunity, reminding Bubba that he, Jack, was once in his shoes and knows exactly how hard it is to do your job with Washington breathing down your neck.(How many of you remember Jack was the head of CTU for a while?)

Bubba counters that Jack’s going to have to be all in if he wants immunity. None of this ‘here for a few hours and gone when I get my bidness done’ business.

Who does Bubba think pays his salary? Kiefer Sutherland picked out the shirt he’s wearing. Jack ain’t going anywhere.

So, in a final bit of prediction, I’m figuring that Renee has to die before the season’s out. And I don’t mean die like Tony where she’s resurrected off-screen to make a dramatic entrance in the next season. I mean, die like Michelle. Die like Nina. Die like Teri, Jack’s wife. (Remember her?)

I figured she’d make it until she asked what the status of their relationship was. The small smile she allowed herself pretty much doomed her and here’s why: Jack has never been able to be happy. His wife was killed. His friends have all been killed (except Chloe, and if they ever kill her, I’m done watching). His daughter has been pretty much alienated from him from the first season. Lord knows she’s tried to have a relationship with him, but when you’ve killed as many bad guys as he’s had to kill, you tend to get distant with folks.

Renee’s one little bit of happiness has doomed her to die because that is the way it goes. Unless they decide that this is the very last season of 24, in which Jack can ride off into the sunset with his Lady, I don’t see any other way to go.

So, enjoy your time, Renee. We’ll miss you next season.